Change

I’ve lost so much last year. My confidence, finance, love, dreams and my fearlessness. I usually am not afraid of losing but what made me last year was life changing. I gave up and lost my will to live. I can’t even stand on my own two feet. With uncountable anxiety attacks and depression, I know I need to change to make myself for the better.

Stop dwelling in the past. Yes, I’ve lost the love of my life but there’s always the future to look to and things will get better for both of us cause I always wanted the best for both of us. Even if we are both apart. Now I have to do this for myself and not doing it for anyone else. No one else cares if I died when I’m a nobody. They’ll only care if I’m someone. Only love when I’m somewhere.

I’ve been taking anything that comes my way, but that even isn’t good enough now. I need to find success. I need to want to be someone. I need to be the person I dreamt of being. This person I am now. I hate him. I hate his selflessness, his ever undying love to his love ones, his will to give up and let life take it just like that. I need to grow to become the person “she” wanted me to be, even if I’m afraid the idea of change. But “she” is right i need to start moving on and be the greats she always know I’ll be.

My first action of rehabilitation is to move out of this hell hole I call room. It reminds me too much of my present and past. If I want to go somewhere I need to put one leg into my future. I need my own place where I’ll learn to be independent. Learning how the world works if I have no one that can and will help me. Cleaning after myself, cooking, and find the beauty of the ordinary things I took for granted. It’ll give me the meaning of independence.

That first action is also blends well with my next step, securing a job and stick to it. Yes, I’m full of myself when it comes to my abilities. That is why I need to humble myself down and work with people that I afraid or hate working with. I’ll work the hell of the job and make the best with the connections and trainings for my further future as a director.

Once I’ve secure these 2 steps, I’ll gather enough money for 2 investment. 1. my short film I promised myself I’ll do it no matter what. With the people I’ve recently met who are able to help me out with my idea, this seems very real and scary but I’d do it in a blink of an eye with the money I’ve earned. I’ll do it for my sake and my legacy. 2. Savings for my future. Not much on potential weddings or holidays, it’ll be all about emergencies and unaccountable things that might happen. Save it for a rainy day.

Last step is to change my attitude. No more doing things half baked, being pessimistic, being negative, and especially don’t be my dad. I know it’ll take time to grow out and be a different person but with all the previous steps the change is inevitable. I’m already on my way to change my look and health. I’ve quit coffee and soda drinks, on my way to quitting cigarettes and any addiction I have. Turned my obsession to cleaning my teeth lately. Which is weird but it’s something.

Love thy self. I forgot that along the road to success. I can’t take care and love others without taking care of myself first. I know that change is scary but I need to do this. Without change I’ll be the same hermit that won’t go far and dream on. My role model for years (Max Bemis) went through a lot of changes. Most people hated it but I appreciate the change he made for himself and his family. I want to be like him. I want to be better. I want to change.

At least, I’m slightly thinking positively. That’s a start.

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