Archive for the Love Category

Soundtrack of My Life

Posted in 2017, Dreams, Ideas, Life, Love, music, say anything, Self on April 26, 2017 by joharizm

The Moon

Posted in 2017, Dreams, Ideas, Life, Love, Poetry, Romance, Self, Uncategorized on April 26, 2017 by joharizm

Dear Moon,

Why can’t I sleep tonight?

It is like the first night I saw you,

In the wilderness, alone, under the  starry night,

You came and kept me company,

We shared stories and glories,

Even as dawn came, you still stood by me.

 

It has been months since I’ve seen your face,

I have not slept nor rest with knowing your safe,

Not the same without you in this cold night,

All I could do now is look at the stars,

and only wonder if you will ever come back,

I miss you old friend.

 

 

Restraint.Ex.Asylum

Posted in 2015, Dreams, Horror, Ideas, Life, Love, Malaysian, Romance, Self, Short Stories, Uncategorized on July 7, 2015 by joharizm

People have a guilty pleasure of horoscope, palm reading and psychic stuff like that. Well for me it has always been dreams and I’ve had really unique dreams lately. The thing about dreams is that it’s trying to tell you something about what you are currently experiencing now. Twice I’ve dreamt of being cheated on but researching on the internet what it could mean that I was lacking in attention from that certain someone, but let’s not talk about that dream. The current dreams I felt like it has multiple meanings. So I grabbed some key moments of the dream and did my research from this site (http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/)

A week ago, I dreamt I was heading out for dinner with some friends and I invited my ex. There she was walking down the sidewalk as I waited for her in front of the restaurant. She looked agitated and uncomfortable seeing me and when she reached me, I asked her “What’s going on?”. She said she came to tell me one last time to not see her again and I went all defensive by replying that we are just friends now and nothing is going to happen. She surprised me by telling me she filed a restraining order as her boyfriend came out of no where and knocked me out (not the same guy in real life). I woke up in a straightjacket and being monitored by doctors and getting locked inside crazed asylum.

Insane dream in the end. Here are the three key words I looked for online.

Restraint

To dream that you are restrained indicates that you are holding yourself back and not fully expressing yourself. Perhaps you are feeling helpless in some situation.

Ex

To dream about your ex-girlfriend that you and your ex are fighting suggests that something or someone in your current life is bringing out similar feelings you felt during that relationship with your ex.

Asylum

To dream that you are at an asylum suggests that you are feeling tremendous mental strain and are trying to reach out for help.

Reflecting back what I dreamt and what it could mean feels like there was some unsettled situation with my ex but the site told me something else. I came to realization that it will never work out between me and my ex. So I started dating and talking to random people online. Yes, I have moved to greener pastures and one girl actually makes me happy and smile through her text and our conversations were long but it starts to get shorter and shorter. I don’t blame either of us cause work is our first love and nothing can change on that. Being restraint by my ex in an asylum could actually mean that I actually like this new girl that subconsciously reminded me of my ex but I’m scared to actually fall in love again and being hurt.  I did admit to her that I like her but I feel that it’s not the best of times for the both us cause she is that special and brings light to me every time I think of her. Bright colors in the darkness sort of situations.

I guess it’s not bad having nightmares once in a while. There are two more dreams I’m investigating on for another night. In the mean time, all I could do with this current girl is just hold on and see if things can and will get better.

Take Care

Posted in 2015, Life, Love, Malaysian, Self, Uncategorized on June 10, 2015 by joharizm

I can no longer take care of her. It’s your turn to be there for her when she needs you. It does not mean I do not love her anymore but now you are the one that is suppose to make her laugh and smile each and every single day until it’s your turn to depart. Intrest her and be interesting. Listen to her even if it gets repetitive or gloomy. Be there when she is at her weakest and lift her spirits up like I use to do. Love her every second and don’t make her sad or cry. Love her strengths and ignore her weakness. Be strong for her and carry her home. Cause now I’m no longer home. You are home now.

Don’t you worry about me. I’ll keep wandering off to the sunset like the cowboy I am. I’ll just be her best of memories and a distant past cause I cannot unlove her but I have let go again another lover of life. As I, the wanderer set myself aside for other’s happiness while I go in search for a person I can call home once more.

1000+ Days of Mira

Posted in Life, Love with tags , on March 12, 2015 by Joharizm

I love 500 Days of Summer. It’s one of those movies I’d watch every month. I could quote the memorable lines but now my life is this movie. It’s relatable in the relationship department. My previous relationship is based on this movie too much it hurts watching this. People either relate to Summer Finn or Tom Hansen. Me? I use to relate myself to Summer, the one who doesn’t need to fall in love before i met Mira. But now I am 100% Tom. All I wanted is to feel loved and not being alone.

At the start it was just me living my comfortable life and everything was fine until she came along. She made my life a whole lot better and meaningful. She open my eyes with ambition and hope for me. She was very present. She was very real. She made me the happiest I could be. “I love how she makes me feel, like anything’s possible, or like life is worth it.” – Tom.

We could do no wrong. We love the same things, she is beautiful, smart and she is her own independent person. She was perfect to me. I was blinded by this small little thing call love. “I love her smile. I love her hair. I love her knees. I love how she licks her lips before she talks. I love her heart-shaped birthmark on her neck. I love it when she sleeps.” – Tom.

I feel when you know when someone loves you is when you get to hear her untold stories. The ones she brought down her wall. The ones she never repeats to anyone. The ones you wonder if anyone got there before you did. And you know that it’s mutual. You know she is the One. “I’ve never told anybody that before.” – Summer

But we didn’t actually got together straight away. I was following what she wanted. She didn’t want to label us. We were our “significant others” as she said. and I was confused and didn’t know where this is going and afraid that one day she just packs her bags and leaves. I got angry on different occasions with others wanting or not wanting us to be together. “Well, you’re not the only one that gets a say in this! I do too! And I say we’re a couple, goddamn it!” – Tom

After multiple pursuit to make us concrete. We made it. We we’re labeled but sometimes it feels like it was only for my benefit. She never was posting pictures of me. She didn’t scream my name in happiness like I did. She kept me a secret. Was she embarrassed with me? Was I that bad of a catch? Or was I just “The guy I’m with right now”? I felt insecure of us. I was scared.  “Do you ever do this, you think back on all the times you’ve had with someone and you just replay it in your head over and over again and you look for those first signs of trouble?” – Tom. 

I slowly changed. Acting all different. Clingy, spineless and fearful that our world is gonna crash. She gets away with most of our arguments. I’ll let her win cause I didn’t want to lose her. I took off my stable life to start making more so we could live as equals. I ended up focusing on her and that was our downfall. My life is so her that i forgot who i was. I forgot my love to music, sports and my friends. We were suited for each other but we did it wrong “All we ever do is argue” – Summer “That is bullshit!” -Tom

I told her to move away for work. So she could do things for herself and we could start back where we left off but things didn’t go as plan as I was not doing good. I was the torn one and she dominated the relationship. No longer equals. i was no longer her role model. So I did what I never thought I’d do. I pulled the trigger on myself and all she ask if i could stay as a friend. “Tom, don’t go! You’re still my best friend!” -Summer

After 2 months not being with her. My life was spiralling out of control. What do I want in life anymore? All I can think of is her. But one day I took the guts to see her. So we talked about plans and present. Her eyes glows when I told her my future and the things I’m going to do. That filled me up with hope of us once again. At the end she gave me the hug that felt there is something worth fighting for. The hug that brought me back to where we started. But to my knowledge she is seeing someone else. “So why’d you dance with me” -Tom “Cause I wanted to” -Summer “You just do what you want to, don’t you” -Tom

She is someone else now. She changed to this stranger I never knew before and looks and feels different. She smelled differently. She smiled differently. She laugh differently. Cause she is somewhere else now. She accepted the break up. She moved on when i haven’t. “I just… I just woke up one day and I knew.“- Summer “Knew what?..” – Tom “What I was never sure of with you.” -Summer

If you love something, let it free. All I wanted was the best for her, I really do. But it’s hard to watch them succeed where we fell. I am sad and pissed of what could have been us but right now I just have to let go of her. Some people are meant to fall in love but aren’t meant to be together. Now she is just a memory. She is no longer in my life but wishing her the best. She wants a better life now she gets it. “I really do hope you’re happy” – Tom

And our story stops there. There is no other girl. There is no new job. I see no difference in me. I want to change. I want to move on. I want to be better but this little part of me keeps telling me I can’t. I just want to shut this part of me down and go forward. Depress as I am, I know the future is bright for me. cause at the end of the movie Tom moves forward. If I am Tom my life and love life will get better. No matter how painfully relatable this movie is I still love this movie cause it’s a mirror image of us. Still slowly getting over Mira. Right now she might be a painful memory but one day when i look back, smile and see how much stronger i have become.

2y/9m/1d

Posted in Life, Love, Malaysian, Self with tags , on February 7, 2015 by Joharizm

“A year has past as an editor. I have found the woman of my dreams. The most caring, selfless, innocent, beautiful and smartest person i have ever met, who supports of what i do for a living and helps me chase my dreams. She Just brings the best out of me. Pushing me to the limit to make my own team of three called Black Frames to shoot shortfilms and sketches. The best part of the year was the luck that i have been having. I own a Camera, an iMac and a Laptop with her help. She just is there for me and always supports me in what ever i do even with a bad start we had, but she still proves me that there is no one like her in this world that fits my jigsaw puzzle piece. And a year after, we are still together and in love like the first time we said our “i love yous”. Hoping for a better future for the both of us and our dreams of being the best ever Movie Maker and Doctor duo. As we will live happily ever after.” – Johariz M. Sani, Sept 5, 2013

So we didn’t live happily ever after. 2 years 9 months and 1 day we’re together. The last six months was filled with ups and downs the aftermath is unbearable. But you know what? It was a joyful ride. Instead of writing how bad the feeling is right now or proving a point, I want to honour this relationship as it should be. A tribute if you will.

I know the last phone call to her was mean and un-gentleman like. I stuttered when she said “What is the positives of this relationship?”. I couldn’t think of anything to say cause of my anger. But now I’m calmer and collected, I thought about. It was the best relationship I could wish for. We complimented each other, had fun together, and we live life like there’s no tomorrow. It was very present. It was very real.

What got me into liking her is the way she talks and listens to me. Eager and enthusiastic. Never a dull moment. Always talking, dreaming and planning of things to come. We are both ambitious and wanted bigger and better things in life. Wanting to prove people wrong with our wishful thinking. What we have in common is not that much but our universal liking to art, movies, music and travelling is always a moment I will never forget. The excitement of getting to see her even when we just saw each other just a few hours ago still made me into a giddy little boy on christmas morning. The giggles she makes when I’m being funny really gives a man the confidence he needs.

People around me are telling me to forget her but I don’t think I can. These memories of her is recent and also it’s too good to forget (Eternal Sunshine much?). I don’t want the memories, the knowledge, the happiness we’ve spent together. She gave me a lot more than me and her can think, and not a day goes by without me missing her, together or not. She made me who I am today. The better version of me.

We were made for each other she and I. She will still be dream partner I want to end up with. Just not right now. Here’s a toast for You and I. For a brighter future with or without one another. 🙂

P.S Thank You Amira Natasha. You will still be loved and never be forgotten.