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Posted in Uncategorized on August 17, 2015 by Joharizm

“Flowers don’t grow at the same speed, you’re exactly where you need to be”

1.

Posted in 2015, Life, Self, Uncategorized on July 29, 2015 by joharizm

We fear of living the rest of our lives alone, but little do we know we have always been and will always be alone. We are our own individuals with our own sets of goals and dreams. We can’t go about asking the love of our lives “Hey I love you, could we stay together forever and live as conjoint twins”. Yes there is the love factor, where it ends up in marriage and living happily ever after. Spoiler alert, we humans die and our loved ones leave us for something greater. Whether it be for another person or death itself.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not being spiteful and/or grudgy. I think I’m sane enough to know the truth and truth is that our loved ones leave and we are disappointed, sad and later on numb but a few days, months, years later we forget and replace that person. Rinse and rinse and repeat. That how human bonds go. We aren’t accustom to loyalty. We want better things in life and never settle for what we have.

Is there such thing as love? I say yes, but love is always momentarily. I have 6 ex-girlfriends and counting, 3 ex-best friends and counting, 2 mother figures, 2 father figures, and countless heroes and idols. I’ve move on to better and better people when I see fit. Replace your best friends for your lover to replacing your lover for new friends, anything that makes you happier. Sometimes it’s me, sometimes life just has it ways to tell me that the relationship between me and the other person is over. Makes me sound like a jerk. So sue me.

You assume I’m like an unloved monster but I’m not. I’ve sacrifice for people who no longer in my life. My blood, sweat and tears isn’t recognize at anyone’s mind and heart anymore because I am replaced. Every girlfriend I’ve had so far was told that no matter what, we weren’t meant to stay together forever. Whether it be death or the end of the relationship as much I don’t want those two to happen. And it did happen, not the death part but the breakup. I was being real.

But I want to thank everyone that left me. I’m a better me thanks to you leaving me. You made me see how selfish a person can be. Without you, I won’t be able to laugh at the thought of death and depression. Showing me that I’m bound for greater things without you pulling me down and eventually having better people in life till death. You are the soul purpose that drives me crazy enough to think I can achieve a lot more than a normal man could. And thank you for indirectly telling me, 1 Is a very lonely number but can be the strongest number of them all.

I’ll be looking out for number 1 and that’s me.

Back to Jamie

Posted in music, Uncategorized on July 20, 2015 by joharizm

Anxiety.vomit.pages

Posted in 2015, Dreams, Horror, Ideas, Life, movies, Self, Short Stories, Shorts, Uncategorized on July 20, 2015 by joharizm

As I enter an abandoned house, I heard a girl weeping. In the pitch black halls, I walk towards the cry and in the corner of a room I see a girl in the corner. This girl is not familiar and she was undressed, dirty and just facing the corner in a sitting position. I went to the to comfort her telling her every thing is fine and I will find help. She start puking written pages. The pages were worn down and old. I woke up to the weirdest dream of my life. Unexplained but still trying my hardest to decipher this.

Well it’s actually stealing someones ideas and make something better out of it or at least sharing their stories with the world. Well I’m in the midst of making short films for the next 5 years and I’ve been collecting peoples life story. From love stories to life experiences. Mental breakdowns are my forte because I have one too. Just that this dream is kinda weird that it’s happening to someone else. Maybe I’m here to help the rest of the world to think on a positive note, as my first short will be about my own life experience but ending it with a positive side of suicidal tendencies. It’s hard to accept that I have this demented part of me and in hopes I get to lock this part of my life in a shoe box full of unwanted memories, but it’s high time to accept it and share it with the world and confront my fears.

It’s now or never. Time to write my script and in hopes that the demons pass away.

Restraint.Ex.Asylum

Posted in 2015, Dreams, Horror, Ideas, Life, Love, Malaysian, Romance, Self, Short Stories, Uncategorized on July 7, 2015 by joharizm

People have a guilty pleasure of horoscope, palm reading and psychic stuff like that. Well for me it has always been dreams and I’ve had really unique dreams lately. The thing about dreams is that it’s trying to tell you something about what you are currently experiencing now. Twice I’ve dreamt of being cheated on but researching on the internet what it could mean that I was lacking in attention from that certain someone, but let’s not talk about that dream. The current dreams I felt like it has multiple meanings. So I grabbed some key moments of the dream and did my research from this site (http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/)

A week ago, I dreamt I was heading out for dinner with some friends and I invited my ex. There she was walking down the sidewalk as I waited for her in front of the restaurant. She looked agitated and uncomfortable seeing me and when she reached me, I asked her “What’s going on?”. She said she came to tell me one last time to not see her again and I went all defensive by replying that we are just friends now and nothing is going to happen. She surprised me by telling me she filed a restraining order as her boyfriend came out of no where and knocked me out (not the same guy in real life). I woke up in a straightjacket and being monitored by doctors and getting locked inside crazed asylum.

Insane dream in the end. Here are the three key words I looked for online.

Restraint

To dream that you are restrained indicates that you are holding yourself back and not fully expressing yourself. Perhaps you are feeling helpless in some situation.

Ex

To dream about your ex-girlfriend that you and your ex are fighting suggests that something or someone in your current life is bringing out similar feelings you felt during that relationship with your ex.

Asylum

To dream that you are at an asylum suggests that you are feeling tremendous mental strain and are trying to reach out for help.

Reflecting back what I dreamt and what it could mean feels like there was some unsettled situation with my ex but the site told me something else. I came to realization that it will never work out between me and my ex. So I started dating and talking to random people online. Yes, I have moved to greener pastures and one girl actually makes me happy and smile through her text and our conversations were long but it starts to get shorter and shorter. I don’t blame either of us cause work is our first love and nothing can change on that. Being restraint by my ex in an asylum could actually mean that I actually like this new girl that subconsciously reminded me of my ex but I’m scared to actually fall in love again and being hurt.  I did admit to her that I like her but I feel that it’s not the best of times for the both us cause she is that special and brings light to me every time I think of her. Bright colors in the darkness sort of situations.

I guess it’s not bad having nightmares once in a while. There are two more dreams I’m investigating on for another night. In the mean time, all I could do with this current girl is just hold on and see if things can and will get better.

A Letter to Mr. Bemis

Posted in Uncategorized on July 1, 2015 by Joharizm

I was going through my Facebook the other day and found a post by an old friend. She states that Frank Turner is her hero for saving her through a meltdown she had with just a simple reply to her email. It got to me, I guess I should write about my musical hero, Max Bemis. Yeah, he and his wife, Sherri both did tweet me to me once and I don’t expect much. I just want to share my story to him.

I discovered Say Anything at the age of 18 in 2006. I was discovering bands in Yahoo Music at the time and once I heard Alive with The Glory of Love, I knew this band was special to me. From teenage rebellion to ambitious film student to surviving soul. A lot have change but something remains, my love to Say Anything and music in general. I grew with Max’s lyrics and songs. Not influential but relatable. The aggression, the sorrows, the love & lost and the ranting he makes about the world. What he has been through, I the similar.

I’m grateful for songs like: Admit It!!! A Walk Through Hell, Shiksa (Girlfriend), That is Why, Crushd, Do Better, Say Anything, So Good, Wow I Can Get Sexual Too, People Like You Are Why People Like Me Exist, Judas Decapitation.

Every song represent a part of my love and life. I started with A Walk Through Hell as I’m a hopeless romantic even when my relationship with my high school sweetheart ended. Crushd happened when I fell in love in college and dedicated this song to what I thought again the love of my life. Wow I Can Get Sexual Too is the most evil moment I could have ever experience. That Is Why was when we kept falling in and out of love numerous times as there was a flaw in the relationship and what I saw in her. Do Better kept me going as a single person for a year, working on my career and myself as there isn’t anyone who is as important as oneself. Judas Decapitation is for the fallen childhood friendships and how people want the old depress me than a happier version of myself. Say Anything follows my journey as I would do anything for my first mature relationship. Shiksa (Girlfriend) came to a point when everything actually went smooth sailing thanks to a certain someone. So Good represent that whole relationship and it was our song that we would sing together on slow car rides home. People Like You Are Why People Like Me Exist was the time I survived depression and anxiety attacks from sudden fall out I was having. Admit It!!! will always be my go to song as I rather thankful “with my car and my guitar”.

Yes, I know it’s more of a romance part of my life but these moments saved me and I’ll remind myself time and time again why I’m thankful for Max and Sherri to be together cause there is hope in love after all. Not that I can’t relate on all the depression or bi polar disorder and people wanting the old him, but that’s for another day.

Lastly Alive with The Glory of Love is the song I kept for a special someone that I haven’t found yet or might have but I just don’t know yet. Yes, I’ve played this song for a few girls but not a single one fits a button on this cause for the love I have for this song and band needs an equal person to represent this.

Take Care

Posted in 2015, Life, Love, Malaysian, Self, Uncategorized on June 10, 2015 by joharizm

I can no longer take care of her. It’s your turn to be there for her when she needs you. It does not mean I do not love her anymore but now you are the one that is suppose to make her laugh and smile each and every single day until it’s your turn to depart. Intrest her and be interesting. Listen to her even if it gets repetitive or gloomy. Be there when she is at her weakest and lift her spirits up like I use to do. Love her every second and don’t make her sad or cry. Love her strengths and ignore her weakness. Be strong for her and carry her home. Cause now I’m no longer home. You are home now.

Don’t you worry about me. I’ll keep wandering off to the sunset like the cowboy I am. I’ll just be her best of memories and a distant past cause I cannot unlove her but I have let go again another lover of life. As I, the wanderer set myself aside for other’s happiness while I go in search for a person I can call home once more.